Group Therapy: Vampire Style
by Chocolate Bomb
Summary: I thought the Cullens weren't crazy enough but then I made them too crazy and decided they needed therapy. How often is it that you can find a vampire therapist? Carlisle managed to do it. Can McKenna help? Or do they have to suffer each others insanity?


Summary: The Cullens weren't crazy enough for my taste so I tweaked them a little and then they were TOO crazy so I made them take therapy :).

Disclaimer: Sadly, I'm not Stephanie Meyer and I own none of this, except McKenna and her friends/family. They are mine and I love them to bits and pieces!

Chapter One: We need help

Carlisle could hear the fighting from a mile away. He sighed and pressed down on the gas when he heard his wife wail at the loss of her precious china. He pulled into the drive way and with uncanny speed separated his children into the four corners of the living room.

"What is going on here?" he demanded in a calm tone. He looked from the broken glass table and the tiny pieces of China surrounding it. Not far from his position behind the couch there was a hole in the wall the size and shape of a fist.

"Emmett was acting like a child," Edward growled from his corner. Rosalie snarled beside Emmett in their corner and the accused sneered at him.

"It was a JOKE. Edward, you take everything so personal," Alice chided. Edward turned his glare on his favorite sister and Jasper calmed him down.

"Do NOT control me like that Jasper," he snarled.

"That's like us telling you to stay out of our heads," Rosalie pointed out. Edward made an advance and Emmett crouched down in front of his wife. The bickering began again with an added snarl or growl. Carlisle rubbed his forehead.

"Hi Carlisle," Bella said politely from the couch. She had not been involved in the fight and therefore had not been positioned in a corner.

"Afternoon Bella," he greeted her. If he were human he was certain he'd have a massive headache. "Thank you, for being sane in this jungle of a household" she giggled softly and crossed her legs. Sometimes he wondered if she was really sane or just a good actress. He pushed that thought aside and set order to his living room. "This bickering is completely out of hand. After living with one another for a century one would think we'd have this figured out. I think we need professional help."

"You can't be serious!"

"We don't need any help!"

"You mean like a shrink?"

"Yes a shrink muscles for brains!" and with that little comment more chaos ensued. Carlisle looked to his wife who was still upset over the broken furniture.

"Please try and prevent them from burning down the entire house." he said to Esme and Bella. They nodded solemnly and Bella went to Edward in an attempt to calm him down, for her sake. Carlisle immediately decided to take a trip to the furniture store to replace the broken table while singing show tunes in his head in a calm demeanor to keep all his gifted children in the dark about his snap decision. He kissed his wife on the forehead on his way out and sped away in his car.

He was past forks and Port Angeles in a matter of minutes. He was headed to an old friend of his. He pulled up to a gargantuan house, twice the size of his own. But then again it held twice as many vampires. He pulled up on front of the twelve-car garage and was instantly met with a welcoming committee.

"Carlisle! How have you been?" the friend he had come to see in the first place, McKenna, hugged him enthusiastically.

"I've been better, I can tell you that," He said earnestly. A frown creased her angelic forehead; she grabbed his hand and dragged him into her house.

Carlisle never got used to the use of such vibrant colors, it fit McKenna's personality perfectly. It was her house after all, although she did appear the youngest, looking no more than sixteen years old she was the oldest, at around three-thousand years old.

He sat himself on the sofa and relaxed a bit. He would've taken a nap if he had been able. He heard McKenna shut the door and more footsteps come down the stairs. "Hello Carlisle," said a surprised voice.

The doctor opened his eyes to see Neal, McKenna's long time husband, longer than he had known the girl himself. He never found one without the other near. "Good to see you, Neal," he smiled a little.

"You too." Neal shook his hand and McKenna rolled her eyes at the formality. Neal looked to be seventeen, like Edward, but had been alive for almost as long as McKenna.

"You've been treating her well?" Carlisle asked, referring to McKenna. He had offered for her to live with him before he had met Edward but she had politely refused, saying her family needed her more, though Carlisle always thought of her as a daughter, she was unknown to his current family per her request.

"Of course. How's your family?" Neal asked.

"Oh yada yada yada. He obviously came here for a reason, and I need him to tell me before he bores me of stories of his children." McKenna cut in. She sat down on the couch next to Carlisle. Neal remained standing; he smiled and kissed the top of his wife's head before turning to the back yard where the others were.

"Actually, it's my kids I came to talk to you about." He told her. She raised her eyebrows. "They need help, psychological help."

"Really?" Her interest was perked. A house full of vampires needing her assistance? He didn't even have to ask.

"I can't explain to a regular therapist how one of my kids can read minds, another see the future, and another control emotions without them sending us straight to a mental hospital." He said tiredly.

"And you want me to host a group therapy session?" she asked slowly. He looked at her hopefully and nodded once. She smiled broadly. "Of course I'll do it! Bring them over tomorrow at noon and we'll start!" she clapped excitedly.

"I don't know how I'll repay you." He said gratefully.

"You don't have to, I didn't get that degree in '82 for nothin'!" she grinned at him.

"Wait!" Anthony, one of McKenna's many brothers came barging in the house. "There's gonna be therapy here tomorrow?"

McKenna hit him in the shoulder, "Stop listening in on my conversations, and no, on second thought bring them to the office in Port Angeles, I don't want them breaking anything in my house. Neal, Ambrose and Xavier will accompany me and we'll meet you there."

"Fantastic!" Carlisle was in a slightly better mood. "But I will need a coffee table to replace Esme's broken one." He said sheepishly.

"We have an extra one in the basement, you can take that one." She smiled again and kissed him on the cheek. "See you tomorrow!" she was almost jumping up and down in excitement.

Carlisle collected the table from the basement and loaded it into the back of his car at lightning speed. He waved good-bye before speeding back onto the road. He passed the lit cities of Port Angeles and Forks and pulled off the freeway where his home was.

It was eerily quiet, he assumed Edward had taken Bella home and Alice and Jasper and Rosalie and Emmett had found various activities to distract them from each other. He gave a quiet sigh of relief before he lifted the table and brought it into the now clean living room.

Esme was delighted with her new table and dusted it down. It fit perfectly in the all white room, being completely made of glass, legs and all. "So what did you really do?" she asked lowly.

"Arranged a little trip for tomorrow," he winked at his wife while he decided he was going to take everyone to the zoo tomorrow. He knew Alice was confused but didn't budge on the matter. He was looking forward to tomorrow.

There's the first chapter! Hope you liked it. The chapters will get a little longer and funnier, I aim to please, but I have to set up a little before we get this party started.

Well reviews make me smile, and I always smile when I write, so the more I smile the more I'll update. :)


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